Living · MS Life

Cloudy Days and Rainbows

Things have taken a turn for the worse.

I thought that I might have been having a bit of a ‘blip’, having a bad patch, so to speak.  But this is the new me.  The new me that lives under a cloud of stress and worry.  After 19 years of being pretty much symptom-free, my MS turned obviously ‘Secondary Progressive’ about 5 years ago.  Cue walking difficulties, fatigue and cog-fog (for me this means memory problems, difficulties concentrating and finding the right words at times).  Within 5 years I have gone from an active, confident woman, to one who worries incessantly about the future – my own and my children’s.  My husband will also vouch for a massive increase in my anxiety levels.  I often feel anxious about going out (will there be somewhere I can sit?) and I now have a need to plan and organise my time, as I hate the thought of being unprepared and unable to carry out tasks that I could previously do with ease.  I feel stress rising even with simple, everyday activities, such as taking the kids to school – is my scooter battery charged?  Is it bin day, meaning I am going to have to try and avoid obstacles on the path?  Is it raining so the scooter is a no-go?

With a long haul holiday on the horizon, I can feel my anxiety rising in volumes – will I manage ok with my new scooter?  Will I have problems with security when I need to try and wobble walk through the security scanner, like I did when I was last away?  Will the certain heat (we are going to Florida) sap all my energy and walking ability? Will I remember to take my blue badge so I can use it in the States? In order to reduce the panic I need to plan, plan and plan some more, checking and double checking that I have sorted everything that I need to to make the holiday go as smoothly as possible.

And just when I felt weighed down under that cloud, I saw this… Maya Angelou, the writer and poet talking about how we have so many ‘rainbows’ in our lives who help cut through our clouds. What a clever lady Maya Angelou was.  And it made me realise that, although I do feel like I live under a cloud, the people that I have around me make it so much more bearable, and I should be concentrating on them, the way that they make me feel and how they support me.  The colleague who leaves a cup of freshly made coffee on my desk every day, as she knows I struggle getting to and from the staff kitchen.  My children, who make me laugh every day.  My husband, who helps me around the house, doing jobs that I find difficult.  My family, who are always there for a chat and to provide advice.  My friends, who I can rely on for a laugh.  So many rainbows.  I just hope that I can also be a rainbow too, to those that I love so much.  Thank you xx

Jen 2

 

15 thoughts on “Cloudy Days and Rainbows

  1. I’ve never really taken the time to listen to or read anything by Maya Angelou but i now will. She said one thing that really has got me thinking. “The thing to do, it seems to me, is to prepare yourself to be the rainbow in someone elses could” By taking the time to write and share this blog you have helped me. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Aww. I love this. You express it so well I am sitting on a chair totally knocked out after cooking a few things Dinner which is easy seems insurmountable right now. I hate the planning. Weather becomes huge for me Wind knocks my cane(horrid word) away. I said when this started that I wasn’t going to let it define me or confine me. Ha. It has its own mind. Thanks for being my bright spot today

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to a lot of this! Even though I’m in the RRMS stage and hopefully things are improving I’m constantly feeling anxious about going out. With both the sitting down and worrying I won’t be able to park literally right outside where I need to go! Thank you for always sharing the positive side of things too. 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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