Hi everyone! Hoping that you are all as well as can be and are enjoying these longer days (and the chance to curl up with a hot chocolate!) like I am. Blogging has been a bit slow due to my relatively recent (August) return to work. My body is most definitely telling me that I can’t easily do it; but I am a bit torn because, as exhausted as it makes me, I love the families that I work with and like feeling like I am making a difference. Hey ho, I guess that is why people describe the experience of having to leave work due to illness as one of the hardest to go through. Watch this space is all I can say at this stage.
I knew that I wanted to blog tonight, but I just wasn’t sure what to blog about. I have had loads going on: I had my assessment for Personal Independence Payment (PIP) a couple of days ago, it’s been Halloween, we’re making ongoing decisions about our new kitchen and our little boy attended a swim meet a couple of hours from home. The PIP assessment really took it out of me – the anticipation of it, more than the assessment itself, I hasten to add. I plan on filling you all in on it once a decision has been reached by the Department of Work and Pensions. For those of you unfamiliar with PIP, it is a benefit to help with the cost of living with long term illness or disability. I worry about finances a lot – and the thought of having this to help when I have to reduce my work load would really help. Having a chronic illness is expensive.
Anyway, I was flicking through my photos on Facebook, as you do, and I was suddenly caught up in a huge whirlwind of emotion. I saw pictures of my kids when they were tiny, of long ago holidays and of people I haven’t seen in ages. And then there was me. There I was, looking young and energetic – dancing with my friends on a night out, hugging my boyfriend (now husband) on a hill in Bath, being bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding, concert-going and sledging. Loads of photos! And I looked so healthy. So energetic. I remember feeling so healthy and energetic – I always exercised regularly, slept well and just generally felt, well, good. Looking back over those photos today, I felt jealous. Jealous of the person in those pictures and frustrated that I am not her any longer.
I know that I have so, so much to be grateful for: my husband, my kids, my family, my home and friends. I need to get back to appreciating the little things in life, the lovely autumn we’ve entered into, the fact that my kids are (amazingly) getting on quite well at the moment. But that ache, to just go back to the old me, for one day, is so strong. I don’t know how to get over it… maybe I never will. I know that thinking this way doesn’t help, so I am keeping this a short one, but I just thought that I would share as I want anyone else feeling this way to know that it is normal. Big hugs.