Why Do I Apologise For My Disability?!

I’ve recently realised something about myself that I don’t really like: I often explain my disability, apologise or justify my actions and how they link to my disability.

Let me explain the circumstances that led to me finally realising this. The other day, I went to my local garden centre in order to buy a last-minute present; it used to be my go-to place to buy easy gifts as it is accessible (usually), I can drive there and I can get around using just my crutches, especially if I just nip in and out.

Well, my visit made me realise that the garden centre is no longer as easy to navigate as it used to be – as my disability has progressed, my ability to walk around with crutches has become greatly reduced.  I would’ve been much better going in with my lightweight scooter or my wheelchair but I actually find them very difficult to get in and out of the car by myself (that’s a whole other issue). ‘I’m only popping in for a minute’, I told myself, ‘I’ll be able to do it’.  And I did do it, but it was very, very difficult. I should’ve realised that I’d not be able to pick up and carry items if I’m using two crutches, so my time was spent having a brief look at their house plants and plant pots and picking up a couple of cards that I could carry whilst holding my crutches.

Luckily, there was a lovely lady who responded to me when I asked for help, picking them up and taking them to the till for me. She then offered to carry them out to my car for me, which I greatly accepted.  And here is where I realised that I often justify myself; as she put the plant into the car from me I said, ‘you’re probably thinking how the heck can she drive a car when she can’t even walk? I have an automatic car and my left leg is the particularly dodgy one. I don’t need it to drive.’  The lady smiled and said that she hadn’t been wondering. Why did I do that? I don’t owe anyone any explanation of why I can still drive despite my crappy legs.

I realise that I do it quite a lot – when I’m doing my speech therapy work, I often say to the children that I have to sit on a special seat (basically a higher one than they have) because of my ‘dodgy legs’ or if I have to follow someone whilst using my crutches I’ll apologise for ‘being slow’.  I actually really don’t like myself doing it. Why should I apologise for myself, my multiple sclerosis and the impact that it has on me? It’s like I’m putting myself down and my sensible head tells me that’s a really rubbish thing to do. I’m probably naturally an ‘over apologiser’ – I think I fit the image of British people always saying ‘sorry’ – but I know it’s not something I should be doing in relation to my disability.

I guess one good thing is that I have noticed that I’m doing it and so I can try and stop myself. I need to be more Nina Tame (a disability advocate that you have to follow on Instagram if you don’t already).  She is unapologetic, sweary and full of the confidence needed to be able to confront those and the systems that treat those with disabilities unfairly.

I like to think that I’m in a state of transition on that front; at the same garden centre visit, I realised that they had taken out the doorbell that is used at the exit to allow for those with disabilities to enter directly into the shop area.  After knocking on the glass doors for a couple of minutes I managed to squeeze my way in by prising the automatic doors apart.  Once into the shop, I made a point of asking the first shop worker that I saw why they had taken the doorbell off. Her answer? ‘Oh, there is a sensor on the side of the door that you can use to override the automatic door and have it open for you.’ I told her that, although that’s good to know, it’s not very useful for those of us who have no idea it is there.

I have become better at confronting people parking in disabled bays if they don’t have a blue badge and I have remarked to shop workers about how stacking the merchandise in the aisles of the store make it inaccessible to those that do not have the ability to avoid the boxes easily.

A few years ago, a called out my local Wetherspoons on Twitter for having a disabled toilet that is only accessible by a radar key and, as I didn’t have one at the time, I’d had to go up to the bar to ask for key – only to be told that they had to serve people waiting for the drinks first. Wetherspoons Twitter said that I should be ‘happy’ that others can’t get into the disabled toilet, as it means it will be kept cleaner.  I said that they should keep it clean anyway.

So, I’m getting there, but I’m aware that I have a way to go.  I suppose that I just need to catch myself every time that I do start to explain or apologise about myself. And not to forget to advocate for disability awareness!

Is this something that you do? I’d love to hear about those times that you’ve felt less confident confronting people or whether you apologise for yourself.  Is it something that you’ve been able to overcome? If so, how? From now on, I’m going and make my mantra, ‘be more Nina!’

Thanks reading

Building my Confidence and Self-Esteem, Despite Disability What my Invisible Disability Means, Every Day