Building my Confidence and Self-Esteem, Despite Disability

Life twists and turns in ways that you never imagined were possible; if I am honest, those twists and turns have really turned me inside out and upside down over the past couple of years.  I have had times when I’ve felt strong and confident and others where I have been weak and scared.  My changing life and worsening mobility have often left me frustrated and annoyed; ‘why me?’, ‘It’s not fair…’ blah blah blah.

Over the past couple of weeks though, I have come to realise that I can spend a long time feeling frustrated about it or I can just try and get on with it and try to live my life as best as I can.

The only thing is: how do you get on with your life when the experiences open to you are so small?

The Background

I live in a small market town with two children — the youngest is about to start secondary school in September. My multiple sclerosis means that I have walking difficulties so I need to use crutches, a walker and a mobility scooter or wheelchair for getting around. The town is very inaccessible and I can manage to do my work from my home, so I don’t really need to leave the house that often. Definitely a lot less than I used to when I still had small children and my mobility!

I have a lovely group of friends and family who live close by and still invite me out, so I sometimes go around to their houses, meet up with them for a meal out and even go out to the pub. They will also come and see me at my house which is so helpful, particularly if it’s raining outside. But the reality is, I can’t get out to do other things that I once loved to do — walking, dancing, running. Although I’m not currently on the lookout for a new partner, I am conscious that even though my interests could open up opportunities for me to meet other people, the reality of living a disabled life presumably makes it much harder. I can’t join a running club or get into local, but inaccessible, nightspots, for example.

Another fly the ointment is that my friends and family are all mainly coupled up. The only people I know who are separated from their partners have new boyfriends or girlfriends that they met through running clubs, internet dating, or a night out.

Perhaps it’s just me being negative, but I can’t imagine people spotting my wheelchair from across the room in a pub and thinking ‘phwoar, she looks nice, I’m going to talk to her’. Especially when I know most of the people in my small town or they know my ex! And, if I did meet someone, the reality of me having a progressive illness is a lot to ask someone to deal with. Luckily, I am generally ok with my own company and love the fact that I can watch as much rubbish telly as I want to; I guess I am just missing the closeness of having someone to cuddle up to and share a bottle of wine with.

So, what can I do about it? I guess stop thinking about it and start to focus more on my own needs — I’m aware that my self-esteem has taken a knocking over the past couple of years and I need to try and build that up again. I used to be quite a confident person but the identity changes I’ve been through with my MS, disability and now relationship status have dented it quite badly.

Building Confidence and Self-Esteem

I am a true believer that loving yourself and treating yourself kindly can lead to increased self-confidence and self-esteem.  In the past, my confidence was largely based on how I looked (I never felt more confident than when I had my hair permanently straightened so it lay just right.  That sounds shallow, and it is, but it is the truth).  I also gained confidence and self-esteem by what my body could do; making it through a tough ‘cardio blast’ workout at Uni? No problem.  Jump out of a plane from 15,000 feet? Easy peasy. Age, children and lack of mobility have unfortunately taken away my ‘go to’ confidence-building methods.

So, how do you build confidence and self-esteem when your mind and body feel broken? I’ve had a look at the Mind Charity website and it has some great ideas:

1) Being kind to myself by not comparing myself to others and challenging any negative self-talk that I might have

I don’t know anyone else disabled like me, so why do I compare myself to able-bodied women the same age as me?  Especially women on social media who look gorgeous and seem to have all the money in the world to have the ‘perfect home’?  Over the past few weeks, then, I have really tried to make affirmations to myself when I’m doing my daily yoga stretches: I tell myself, ‘you are strong; you are enough’.  And when I have finished I feel calmer and, yes, stronger – at least mentally.

2) Being good to myself through healthy eating, exercise and taking time outside

My ability for heart-pumping exercise has definitely gone – no more cardio blasts for me! –  but I do try to stretch regularly, do a bit of Yin Yoga every day and I maintain a largely plant-based diet. I try to drink my coffee in the garden and have reduced my alcohol, having refreshing tonic waters and cordials instead.

3) Setting myself a challenge

I recently bought an online watercolours course and I know that I will feel good when I start doing it, I just need to get the motivation! In the past, I have made crochet blankets for my kids and set myself a meditation challenge and doing both of those things made me feel good about myself because I put the effort in.  I tell my daughter to remember the feeling that every time she’s proud of herself and her space because she tidied her bedroom – I just need to remember too!

4) Advocate

Much of my limitations in life are not down to me, but the inaccessibility of so many venues and the lack of knowledge of others. I have already fought for and won both extra disabled parking at my previous work and a dropped kerb being put onto the pavement near my son’s school. Advocating is an ongoing practice and I will not stop; it is needed and it makes me proud and needed.

Building and maintaining confidence and self-esteem is an ongoing process when dealing with both disability and life changes, but I know I can do it. I might be 40-something, disabled and single but I still hold value that, maybe someday, another person will see.  Or maybe they won’t! And that’s ok :).

“My disability has opened my eyes to see my true abilities.” Robert M. Hensel

Love and light