I Keep Going – Developing Resilience Through Chronic Illness

My life has changed immeasurably over the past 10 or so years; children have appeared and chronic illness has surfaced.  As a result, new friends have been made, new challenges have arrived, work has been adjusted and I have learned more about myself than I ever anticipated.  Maybe self-awareness and self-acceptance comes with age – I am no longer a 20-something with few responsibilities – but I also think life changes play a part in making you who you are.

I reckon having kids was my biggest eye opener – as it is for most parents, I would imagine!  Suddenly, I wasn’t the most important person any more, I was (and still am) relied upon to keep my children safe, clothed and fed and to teach them how to become kind, accepting and responsible adults. They have taught me how to be patient (most of the time!), flexible and how to appreciate the little things.

When my daughter was 10 days old, she taught me something else; how to be strong and resilient.  She became very ill very suddenly and had to go back into the hospital.  She had a temperature of over 40°c, wouldn’t feed and had the most piercing cry.  She had to have a lumbar puncture to check for meningitis and was on a drip.  Nothing scared me as much as this experience did, before or since.  Luckily, she recovered and is now a cheeky 8 year old, but I remember that when she and I were in hospital (I stayed as was breastfeeding her) my then 2 year old son came to visit.  He didn’t understand what was happening and he just wanted me to go and play with him outside in the sunshine.  So I did.  I knew that I had to be strong for him as much as my daughter and I took the time to play with him whilst my husband sat with our baby.

Resilience

It seems to be a recurring theme in my life since then.  In regards to kids, there is no choice but to become resilient once your children start telling you that you are ‘the worst mother in the world’ in the same breath as they tell you they love you ‘sooooooo much’!  But another part of my life has made me realise just how resilient I am: my Multiple Sclerosis.

In the words of Chumbawamba – ‘I get knocked down, but I get up again’.  I may not always be able to literally get up again without help, but my chronic illness has definitely made me mentally stronger and better able to deal with the down times.

So, what does resilience mean to me and how do I achieve it?  It means being able to go through hard times and come out feeling somewhat positive and strong.  I don’t want to give the impression that I never have days when I feel like everything is absolutely shit, that isn’t the case at all.  But if I stop to think about how I handle my illness, I realise there are certain strategies that I use to try and overcome the most difficult parts of it – limitations, fear of the future and life changes.

I don’t avoid my feelings

I accept that I am going to have some days when I feel like crap, when nothing seems right and the world is against me.  I let myself become frustrated and jealous of others around me who seem to have it ‘so good’.  Sometimes, whilst the kids are at school, I allow myself to lie in bed and wallow in a bit of self pity.  BUT, and this is the key to helping myself, I allow myself this time on the understanding that the rest of the time, I just need to get on with it.  I have to not dwell on the fact that I have a progressive chronic illness and I have to take steps to actively make myself feel better, such as seeing friends or watching a good movie

I try and think positively

It’s not always easy but, by taking steps to be as mentallyandphysicallyhealthyaspossible, I like to think that I am engaging in a bit of ‘damage limitation’, and therefore potentially helping to positively impact on my long-term diagnosis.

I make sure that I place importance on self-care

This is a non-negotiable for me and something that I have become better at as time goes by.  My self-care might be as simple as having a shower to make myself feel better, but it also includes activities such as book-reading, healthy eating, time outside, meditation, yoga, sleep and not-being afraid to say ‘no’.  Self-care helps me to feel mentally more ‘on the ball’, more sure of myself and therefore more resilient to things that are out of my control.

I ask for help

Part of being resilient is not being afraid to ask for help.  Asking for help is not a negative – on the contrary, it shows that I am aware of my limitations and I don’t put myself through things that are needlessly difficult.  When friends come over for pizza, I no longer refuse their offers to help to tidy up.  I accept that using a scooter lets me get on with jobs, such as taking my kids to school, that I would otherwise find difficult and I ask my parents or in-laws to take the kids to one of their activities if I am struggling.  Admitting and accepting my need for help again enables me to focus on what is important: my family, my relationships and feeling as well as I can be with my MS.

I accept that I can’t always change others

In the past I used to let little comments get to me and the longer that I live with chronic illness, the more that I realise that people generally don’t understand.  I certainly didn’t understand about chronic illness or being a ‘spoonie‘ before I got sick – I thought how lovely it would be to lie in bed instead of going to work!  How wrong I was.  I try my best to educate through my blog and social media and I correct my family and friends if they say something completely untoward, but, ultimately, I have grown a thick skin.  The people who truly matter understand and that is the most important thing.  Why spend my time worrying about what people think of me, if it doesn’t do any good?

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Becoming more resilient hasn’t meant that I have become a different person; I think that I have always been a ‘glass-half-full’ type, and I like to think that I would have a ‘f**k it’ attitude even if I wasn’t sick.  What about you?  Do you feel like you or a loved-one’s illness has made you more resilient? I hope so!

Happy Friday and have a fab weekend 🙂