Monday Musings: Missing the Old Me

Hi everyone, I’ve been feeling a bit maudlin today, so that’s a little warning for you: grumpy-ish post ahead! I can’t stop thinking about the past – and missing the old me.

It all started yesterday, when I was driving back from the supermarket, my first foray into shopping since I had a fall, which resulted in a broken collarbone. I was pleased to finally be out and about driving but I have to admit, it was hard. My seatbelt hurt on my shoulder and, once inside the shop, my legs went even more spastic than they usually are, not helped by the fact that I had to rush as it was almost closing time.

Kids

But the thing that really got me thinking? It was the young woman with a toddler at the side of the road, who I stopped for and gestured to cross. On the outside, I was smiling, but in my head, I thought, ‘I miss that life’. Don’t get me wrong, in so many ways it is easier now that the kids are at the stage of being able to brush their own teeth, wash themselves and, well, just be a bit more independent. But I miss being wanted, I miss being able. I miss the toddler groups, having the energy to make homemade playdough, I miss the kids looking up to me, instead of looking at me with disdain (I’m often called ‘cringe’, lol). I think, ultimately, I just miss the ease. The ease of our routine of taking my youngest to choose a ‘treat’ (from the health food shop, bahahaha!) before picking up her brother from school. The ease of getting to and from places without mobility difficulties and fatigue getting in the way.  Am I looking at it through rose-tinted glasses? Most probably. I do remember the tantrums, the night wakings and the fussy eating, after all. But still…

Work

And it isn’t just the kids. I miss the routine of work. I know that a lot of this is down to me, as there are some things that I can still do. I consider blogging my work, though I’m not getting paid, because it gives me a sense of purpose. I could do a little bit of private speech and language therapy work if I were just to get our spare room organised and my assessment materials bought. Hmm, maybe I miss my motivation too. The old me was a pretty motivated person, whereas now I just feel a bit ‘blah’.

Youth

Maybe it is to do with getting older? I already feel not like me because of the short hair I acquired through my chemotherapy treatment and I am now officially in the ‘over 40 age bracket’. Perhaps everyone goes through these phases, even if they don’t have to contend with a chronic illness? But I do know that it isn’t helped by the fact that I still see my peer group meeting up for nights out to socialise and dance but my Multiple Sclerosis means that I can’t join them. The old me used to love dancing and I did a mean Axel Rose impression – I miss that Jen.

I think the fact that I can’t do the ‘old me’ things makes me feel… I don’t know… a bit boring? I have reflected on ‘who I am’ in the past, and I guess it is an ever-evolving thing. I do try hard to find things that may make me feel a bit more interesting, but unfortunately, I then lack the energy and motivation to do them… that’s chronic illness for you!

Read More: Who Am I?

If you read that post that I wrote back in 2017, you’ll see that not much has changed, with the exception of me having now made the decision to stop my NHS work.  I definitely feel that it was the right thing to do, but now I feel a bit discombobulated.  This confusion has made me think about how good it was in the past before my MS symptoms reared their ugly heads. It makes me wonder what my future has in store and when I will feel fully happy with what ‘is’.

So, what can I do to get out of this slump?

As the brilliant Dr Suess says:

It isn’t easily done, but I have thought of some things that might help me:

Treat myself kindly and accept the fact that it is ok to miss the old me, it is completely natural. Calling myself ‘boring’ as I did above probably doesn’t help, of course.

Recognise that others are going through the same, that might help me feel not so alone

Write a list – think of the things that I want to do – start a small amount of work, use my sewing machine more, start one of the crochet patterns I have pinned on Pinterest, complete my reading challenge on Goodreads – and, once a week, start them. Moving too fast will feel a bit overwhelming, but a little bit every week should be doable.

Keep up my gratitude list – focusing on what I can do and what am grateful for (kids, coffee, sunshine) will hopefully make me think less about what I miss.

Look forward to something – I am off to Australia in the New Year for three weeks to see my sis. Anytime I feel rubbish, I can stop and focus on my plans for the trip, taking my mind off of missing the old me.

Be aware that what I see on social media is not always the full story. Sure, people are still going out dancing, but I sure don’t miss the hangovers that often comes with that!

***

So, I’m missing my old life at the moment.  I think that the biggest thing for me to do to help myself is to recognise my feelings for what they are: normal.  It’s ok not to be ok sometimes. The biggest trick is to try not to let it take over my life; hopefully doing some of the above will help.

Till next time