Jenny My dreams have changed. A few years ago, I wrote this post, all about how I have a different nightlife in my dreams; one where I don’t remember that I have MS and I am exactly as I used to be before my MS symptoms emerged.
This morning, I woke up realising that my dreams have shifted. I’m usually still able to walk in my dreams, but I am now very aware that I am doing so without my crutches or mobility scooter. I usually realise and then panic as I can’t see them around me! When I recognise that I don’t seem to need them is when I tend to wake up. I guess my crutches and mobility scooter featuring in my dreams now shouldn’t be a surprise. I must have started using them about 6 years ago; they are a permanent feature in my life now. Treading the streets in my dreams, therefore, is an enjoyable pastime that I don’t mind keeping!
Life Dreams
All this thinking about last night’s dream has not only had me re-reading my previous post, linked above, but also considering about my dreams in general… my life dreams – my hopes and wishes for who I want to be and what I want to do.
The thing about chronic illness is that it is just that: chronic. It isn’t going to go away and, in my case with a progressive illness, there is a big chance that its symptoms are going to get worse. My MS has already impacted my work, my personal relationships, my hobbies. The dreams I had at age 30 for how my life would be at 43 – happily married, earning a good wage, travelling, still running, frequent days and nights out, enjoying the kids getting older – have certainly not come to fruition in the way I wanted.
The reality is that am a single woman who doesn’t tend to leave the house a lot (due to reasons of both inaccessibility and fatigue), who lives mainly on an ill-health pension and PIP benefits. I still love travelling, but I don’t find it easy, I crochet rather than run and, if I am honest, I worry that I am going to be left with a massive hole in my life when the kids leave home, with no one to fill it. At the moment, I enjoy the time I do have alone as I know the kids will be back at 4pm and, even if they don’t hang out with me in the evening, they are still here, in the house. Meeting a new love interest is not off the cards but, really, how many people think that dating someone with a chronic, progressive illness is a good idea? Especially if the main way of meeting them is via online dating? Maybe I am missing a trick and should be setting up my own online dating resource for people in the same situation as me? I just need to have the energy!
Ho hum… I can spend a lot of time thinking about it and feeling sorry for myself but I don’t want to do that. Instead, as regular readers will know, I meditate, stretch, do simple seated yoga… all of which takes me out of my worrying and thinking head. And I can’t emphasise enough how much value and support I receive from the online chronic illness community of Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. If you’re ever looking for people who ‘get’ your situation, I would whole-heartedly recommend that you pick a hashtag that reflects you and do a search.
My nighttime dreams may have changed somewhat, but my life dreams haven’t really. I still want a partner for love and company, I still love travelling, I still do a job that I love – albeit for fewer hours a week than I used to. I guess it is being aware that things will change (I am under no illusion that I won’t be able to work for as long as the ‘average’ person will) or not come to fruition. And being ok with that. Trying to make my life richer in other ways to stave off loneliness and/or boredom. I just need to figure out how to do that! Any top tips from others who’ve gone through the same would be much appreciated. 🙂
Till next time
Not to sound super cheesy or sickly positive, but I honestly think there are some decent people out there for whom chronic illness wouldn’t be a barrier. “Meeting a new love interest is not off the cards but, really, how many people think that dating someone with a chronic, progressive illness is a good idea?” It’s easy to say it to you when I say it’s a total no-no for me (complicated but all medical) but Jen, you are so much more than MS, you’re intelligent, witty, compassionate, empathetic, stylish, all the good jazz that a guy would be lucky to have in his life. So yeah, I hope it happens sooner rather than later for you if that’s what you’d like too, but don’t let it dishearten you. There are a lot of tw… idiots in the world, finding the good eggs takes more time (even longer when limited on how you can meet people!)
I think you’re already doing brilliantly will having a richer life, doing things you love, appreciating what you have, finding small joys and spending time with your kids. Is there anything you feel you’d like to do? Something to give more meaning or more fun to your days? My head has been all over the place lately but I’ve found that not feeling like anything I do is meaningful has been a painful realisation. I want to bring more joy into the day because of my mum, though I know I should do it for myself too but I don’t see the point. More colour, less news, less stressing the small things, more creativity. We just need the energy to actually do any of it…!
Sending love,
Caz xxxx
I have just started reading your blogs and am feeling Amazed, due to the fact that that I could have written each of these!!!The only differences are the ages I’m in my late fifties, and the fact that I have 1 child, a ‘boy’ of very nearly 17. I have found that MS comes with a ,Thankfully, positive attitude…cross fingers that this is long lasting! I would still like a DNA check…are You Me?? Keep up all of your good work! Alison
Thank you so much for your lovely comment, Alison! So glad to know that I’m not alone in this MS ‘journey’ and, yes, I try to keep positive if I an. It seems to help me 🙂