Jenny I often feel like I have another life…. a nightlife that I can only access when I am asleep.
Although I can sometimes feel frustrated about the amount of time that I spend in bed, it is needed for me to be able to function and feel vaguely human, as many who have MS or other chronic illnesses will understand. But there is another aspect to sleep that I appreciate – the dreams. And this is where my other nightlife comes in.
In my dreams, I do not have multiple sclerosis. I have my old life back, one without tiredness, mobility problems, a scooter. In my dreams, I walk. And I walk and I walk. Usually around cities. It’s almost like it is a subconscious thing – like my brain knows that I can’t walk well so it gives me every opportunity to do it when I am asleep.
There is a quote from Cinderella that makes me think: “a dream is a wish your heart makes when you are fast asleep”
I think that sounds about right – in my dreams, I don’t have MS, because I wish I didn’t have it. But more than that, in my dreams, I don’t have MS, because MS is not me. Ok, so it plays a big role in my life, it makes it challenging and difficult, but it is not who I am. I am still the person who loves to explore and loves to walk… I just find it challenging. In my dreams, I have an active nightlife, more than I do in reality. I never talk about my MS. In real life, I sometimes feel like it is the only thing that I think of and often conversations with others revolve around how I’m feeling, about how I am struggling with work, due to my MS symptoms.
I had a lovely night out last week when my husband and I went out for dinner at a local tapas restaurant. The theme was ‘hygge’ – the Danish word for the feeling of cosiness. Think low lighting, warm socks, sharing with friends. We shared a table at the restaurant with people that we had never met before – normally one of my eek! moments – but it was lovely and relaxing and I didn’t mention my MS once!
So, I’ve decided that I need to embrace these dreams. Embrace the fact that they allow me to live my ‘old’ life, even if it is just for a short while and accept the fact that I will wake feeling wistful for the way things used to be. Feeling wistful for the nightlife in my dreams And I need to make sure that I don’t let my MS take over my life – no matter how hard it tries. Regular catch-ups with friends, picking up a new hobby or two, doing more of what I love, within my limitations, will all help with this, so adjusting my work-life balance may be in order.
I do wonder sometimes if MS will factor in my dreams at some point. To be honest, I don’t want it to, but I guess as time passes, it becomes more likely.
For those of you with illnesses – do they ever feature in your dreams?
Lovely post. I have never considered this before but now you’ve mentioned it, it’s made me realise I never have MS in my dreams either. Everything just functions how it use to. I wonder if it’s the same for everyone? xx
That’s what I wonder too! X
Reblogged this on The MS Wire and commented:
I rarely re-blog something but this post from Jen just struck a chord. My occasional, but recurring, dream is that I’m walking and suddenly realize that I don’t have my cane. Sometimes I care…sometimes I don’t.
Thank you so much for the reblog! Really interesting to hear how MS features in your dreams. I wonder if now that I have ‘talked’ about it, it will feature a bit more in mine?
Amen! We are not MS!!
In my dreams it’s just the old me, no crutches or wheelchairs 🙂 it feels normal to run and walk in dreams and I’m sure that sometimes the legs are working while I’m asleep!!
Yep, me too – bittersweet, isn’t it? I love the fact I can be the ‘old me’ for a while but then reality sets in again!
I’m so glad you shared this! In my dreams I’m never in pain, don’t need a walker or wheelchair, and I can dance! I think you’re right that it’s our brains allowing us to experience the life we had.
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