Things have taken a turn for the worse.

I thought that I might have been having a bit of a โ€˜blipโ€™, having a bad patch, so to speak.  But this is the new me.  The new me that lives under a cloud of stress and worry.  After 19 years of being pretty much symptom-free, my MS turned obviously โ€˜Secondary Progressiveโ€™ about 5 years ago.  Cue walking difficulties, fatigue and cog-fog (for me this means memory problems, difficulties concentrating and finding the right words at times).  Within 5 years I have gone from an active, confident woman, to one who worries incessantly about the future โ€“ my own and my childrenโ€™s.  My husband will also vouch for a massive increase in my anxiety levels.  I often feel anxious about going out (will there be somewhere I can sit?) and I now have a need to plan and organise my time, as I hate the thought of being unprepared and unable to carry out tasks that I could previously do with ease.  I feel stress rising even with simple, everyday activities, such as taking the kids to school โ€“ is my scooter battery charged?  Is it bin day, meaning I am going to have to try and avoid obstacles on the path?  Is it raining so the scooter is a no-go?

With a long haul holiday on the horizon, I can feel my anxiety rising in volumes โ€“ will I manage ok with my new scooter?  Will I have problems with security when I need to try and wobble walk through the security scanner like I did when I was last away?  Will the certain heat (we are going to Florida) sap all my energy and walking ability? Will I remember to take my blue badge so I can use it in the States? In order to reduce the panic, I need to plan, plan and plan some more, checking and double-checking that I have sorted everything that I need to to make the holiday go as smoothly as possible.

And just when I felt weighed down under that cloud, I saw thisโ€ฆ Maya Angelou, the writer and poet talking about how we have so many โ€˜rainbowsโ€™ in our lives who help cut through our clouds.

What a clever lady Maya Angelou was.  And it made me realise that, although I do feel like I live under a cloud, the people that I have around me make it so much more bearable, and I should be concentrating on them, the way that they make me feel and how they support me.  The colleague who leaves a cup of freshly made coffee on my desk every day, as she knows I struggle to get to and from the staff kitchen.  My children, who make me laugh every day.  My husband, who helps me around the house, doing jobs that I find difficult.  My family, who are always there for a chat and to provide advice.  My friends, who I can rely on for a laugh.  So many rainbows.  I just hope that I can also be a rainbow too, to those that I love so much.  Thank you xx

Till next time

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. Itโ€™s very hard to not future trip. Try not to worry about the what ifs and stay right where you already are thankful ๐Ÿค—

  2. Iโ€™ve never really taken the time to listen to or read anything by Maya Angelou but i now will. She said one thing that really has got me thinking. โ€œThe thing to do, it seems to me, is to prepare yourself to be the rainbow in someone elses couldโ€ By taking the time to write and share this blog you have helped me. Thank you.

  3. Aww. I love this. You express it so well I am sitting on a chair totally knocked out after cooking a few things Dinner which is easy seems insurmountable right now. I hate the planning. Weather becomes huge for me Wind knocks my cane(horrid word) away. I said when this started that I wasnโ€™t going to let it define me or confine me. Ha. It has its own mind. Thanks for being my bright spot today

  4. I can relate to a lot of this! Even though Iโ€™m in the RRMS stage and hopefully things are improving Iโ€™m constantly feeling anxious about going out. With both the sitting down and worrying I wonโ€™t be able to park literally right outside where I need to go! Thank you for always sharing the positive side of things too. ๐Ÿ™‚ xxx

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